BADFIC GRADING RUBRIC
Title: My Immortal
Grade: Stephenie Meyer
Victims: Everyone, including the reader.
Summary: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and her adventures at Hogwarts... or Misadventures... or just plain Sue-isms.
Offenses: Canon Rape, Mary Sue, Out of Character, Crack pairings, complete re-characterization, canon rape, unexplained hatred of "prepz", poor grammar, poor spelling, canon rape, Author Avatar, Author's Friend Insert, canon rape, and the general "He's my boyfriend now!" story. Have I mentioned Canon Rape yet?
MARY SUE GRADING RUBRIC
Name: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
Powers (if any): None mentioned, really, aside from standard magic.
Classification: A combination of Jerk Sue, Possession Sue, and Black Hole Sue.
Unusual Appearance: Long black hair with purple streaks and red tips (naturally occurring), icy-blue eyes, looks a lot like Amy Lee
Other MS Traits: A vampire, wants to commit incest with Gerard Way, member of Slytherin House (on its own, this isn't bad, but combined with everything else...), Seventh Year, Everything revolves around her.
Well, let's get this thing over and done, shall we?
Malfoy: Ugh! Why am I doing this again? I have better things I could be doing.
McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy, I have received news from Professor Snape that you were attempting to cast a Hurling Hex on Mr. Potter’s broomstick.
Malfoy: *under his breath* Assuming he has a broomstick to ride.
McGonagall: What was that?
McGonagall: Don’t lie to me, Mr. Malfoy. Five points from Slytherin. He and I have consulted on this matter and we have decided to have you read a terrible fanfiction, written by yet another hopeless American specimen.
Malfoy: Oh great. Another love-struck fan. My father will hear about this, mark my words.
McGonagall: Your father consented to the punishment.
Malfoy: *groan* Fine. What fanfiction is it?
McGonagall: It is called “My Immortal.”
Malfoy: NO! I AM NOT DOING THIS! I DON’T CARE IF I’M THROWN OUT! I’M NOT READING THIS PIECE OF MUGGLE FILTH!
McGonagall: Shut up you mediocre dunce. Read the story or I will force you to read Twilight instead.
Malfoy: Alright, fine. Anything but Twilight.
Preface by Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight Saga. Preface made approximately three years before publication of Twilight.
Malfoy: Oh great. This is gonna suck already.
I am honored to be writing this preface for the book recently awarded the much coveted title "Book that has caused the most face-palms, computer breakdowns, mental illnesses, heart attacks, migraines, spontaneous combustions and deaths of all time. Much to my chagrin, my own work was not chosen, although it came in a very close second, and was awarded the prize "Published Book that caused the most face-palms, computer breakdowns, mental illnesses, heart attacks, migraines, spontaneous combustions and deaths of all time". This is a piece of literature that will go down in history as the greatest fanfiction of all time. I can only hope to one day be as amazing a writer as this. Once again, I am honored to be writing this preface.
Malfoy: She actually thinks this is a good book? Wow, she’s dumber than I thought.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
Malfoy: Can I leave? I’ve had enough torture. I don’t believe this.
2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
Malfoy: What’s MCR?
McGonagall: It stands for My Chemical Romance, a Muggle band that is often associated with gothic or emo people.
Malfoy: And this loony is a fan of them? I hate them already.
Malfoy: Can there really be any more Xs in the same line?
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name)
Malfoy: Even Longbottom could have figured that one out!
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).
Malfoy: I’ll take that line as an excuse to leave. I have no idea who Amy Lee is. *gets up*
McGonagall: Sit *grabs Malfoy* down! *slams Malfoy into chair*
I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.
Malfoy: You’re saying you want to be related to him because he’s hot? My god! She wants to have incest with this guy!
I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England
Malfoy: SHE ACTUALLY GOES HERE!?!
where I’m in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).
Malfoy: OK, really? I take my earlier comment back. Even Filch, the Squib, could figure this stuff out.
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)
Malfoy: No. Couldn’t tell at all. Not unless you count the earlier reference to MCR, the outright saying of it earlier, oh, and the vampire-ness.
and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
Malfoy: She describes her clothing in extremely accurate detail, then just makes a very basic comment on the weather? You’ve got to be kidding me.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Malfoy: Please tell me they were Gryffindors.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: WHAT!? I’M IN HERE TOO!? WHEN MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS, HE’LL-
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
Malfoy: The current dislike number of this fanfiction on Spellbook.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
Malfoy: And I’m shy. Dear god, does this person even know who I am?
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
Malfoy: No, it is not good. Can I leave now, professor?
McGonagall: No, I’m afraid not.
Malfoy: Just how many chapters of this thing are there?
McGonagall: If you would stop yelling and read the thing, you could possibly be out of here before you get too serious of brain damage.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
Malfoy: So someone actually proofread this? Wow. Just… wow.
Malfoy: I wonder if she’ll hide a 666 in those Xs. *looks* No. Couldn’t possibly have hidden those in a more obvious place.
The next day I woke up in my bedroom.
Malfoy: Well, where else could you have fallen asleep at?
It was snowing and raining again.
Malfoy: So it was sleeting?
I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.
Malfoy: She carries blood in a bottle? This girl is starting to scare me.
My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.
Malfoy: What do you mean “took of?” Please tell me she means she changed out of her clothes and not what I think she means.
Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
Malfoy: I DON’T CARE! And why isn’t she wearing the Hogwarts uniform?
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.
Malfoy: Oh great. Friend-insert.
She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
Malfoy: McGonagall, please can I leave? I promise I’ve had enough of this!
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
Malfoy: WHAT!? I END UP WITH HER!?
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
Malfoy: ANOTHER FANGIRL!?
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
Malfoy: AND SHE’S IN MY HOUSE!
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.
Malfoy: Considering she blushed just now and said “Hi Draco” uh… “flirtily” last chapter, I think this is a lie, but I’m no expert.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
Malfoy: Did I get hit by the OOC Hex?
“Hi.” he said.
Malfoy: Yeah. I don’t say hi. I say “Watch where you’re going.”
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.
Malfoy: See what I mean?
“Guess what.” he said.
Malfoy: You’re a terrible author.
“What?” I asked.
Malfoy: You’re also an imbecile.
“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
Malfoy: What in Merlin’s name- a Muggle band performing in a Wizard Village? Her logic’s worse than Longbottom’s!
“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
Malfoy: Well, someone apparently doesn’t know that I am going out with Pansy Parkinson in the context of the books. Wow. Way to rape the canon.
Malfoy: Is that seriously the end of the chapter?
McGonagall: Yes it is.
Malfoy: *groan* When can I leave?
McGonagall: When I feel you have served your sentence.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
Malfoy: If you’re not part of this stupid Muggle band, why would you own the lyrics?
Malfoy: Can’t resist. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
Malfoy: I’m sorry. I seem to have suffered from a slight concussion from the head-desk I just did. Can you please end it?
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.
Malfoy: Why would I own a Muggle invention? Much less, a FLYING muggle invention when I have my Nimbus 2001?
He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
Malfoy: “Kewl boiz” do not wear black eye-liner. I personally don’t want to look like someone punched me in the face.
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.
Malfoy: If you say something in a depressed way, you usually don’t shout it, you stupid girl.
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.
Malfoy: I thought Hogsmeade was only a few miles away? Why would we need to fly there?
On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
Malfoy: And I crashed the car, killing this annoyance, preventing the story from continuing, and saving myself when I come to my senses. Also, why would we be doing drugs while I’m driving?
When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.
Malfoy: No mention of parking it. Does this mean we jumped out without parachutes?
We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
Malfoy: What the ruddy- you’re saying I like filthy Muggle bands?
“You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
Malfoy: We know. You said that in the Author’s notes. And we really don’t care either.
“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
Malfoy: I am never sad, unless you count Half-Blood Prince, but well, that’s beside the point. Why the hell would I be sad? I would be happy if you liked Joel because that would mean I didn’t have to end up with you.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
Malfoy: Finally, she uses her nonexistent brain. I hate you, and I do not want to be stuck in the same room as you.
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
Malfoy: NO! THAT IS NOT HOW I FEEL!
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff.I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
Malfoy: She’s prettier than what you’ve described about yourself. I think I might like to meet this Muggle girl if it means getting away from this abomination.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into………………………
Malfoy: And I thought the Xs were annoying.
the Forbidden Forest!
Malfoy: Can I murder her and bury her here with no trace?
McGonagall: If only, Mr. Malfoy.
Dumbledore: Ah, Professor McGonagall. I thought I heard your voice in this classroom. And Mr. Malfoy. How is the detention going?
Malfoy: Can I leave, professor?
Dumbledore: Not yet, Mr. Malfoy, but in due time.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su
Malfoy: What’s a Mary Sue? I’ve heard of them before.
Dumbledore: A Mary Sue character is a character usually written in the context of fanfiction who is an absolutely flawless character in their story, as is the case with unfortunate Tara Gilesbie here.
Malfoy: I thought her name was Ebony or Enoby or however she’s spelling her name now.
Dumbledore: Tara Gilesbie is the authoress of this fiction. And it is quite the humorous one to read. Though, I have no doubt it was not intended that way.
OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
Malfoy: She even came up with a horrible justification as to why I am acting out-of-character. How sickening.
“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Malfoy: Wait. Ten seconds ago she was happy with me, and now she’s angry. Mood swings, much?
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it.
Malfoy: I walked on air? Holy crap! I must be more powerful than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
I walked out of it too, curiously.
Malfoy: Never mind, I forgot. She’s a Mary Sam, or whatever.
Dumbledore: The term is Mary Sue.
“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.
Malfoy: Well, making people mad is a bit in character for me.
Dumbledore: Oh, you’ll be out of character in no time at all, Mr. Malfoy.
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
Malfoy: So, I’m evil and that makes her happy again? Oh… oh Merlin.
Dumbledore: I told you.
… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
Malfoy: AAUUGGHH!!! I LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO A MARY SUE!? STOP IT NOW!!!
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
Dumbledore: This is my favorite part.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
Malfoy: Professor, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say stuff like that.
Dumbledore: I admit, I’ve always wanted to shout this at Tara Gilesbie, but there are worse things than being out of character.
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Dumbledore: She even passed it off as me having a headache. By the way, not one good review was given.
Snape: How is the detention going?
Dumbledore: Swimmingly. Mr. Malfoy seems to be enjoying himself.
Malfoy: Please make it stop, Professor Snape!
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
Dumbledore: I wonder what it was that I made before they followed me.
“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
Dumbledore: I have always wanted to say that too.
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
Malfoy: I comforted her? I don’t comfort. I make one feel worse.
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
McGonagall: A whole sentence without a spelling error. For once.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.
McGonagall: I would never say anything like that.
Malfoy: You said it before making me read this thing!
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
Snape: So far I seem in-character.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
Malfoy: And that magically makes everything better. And for the record, I hate her.
Snape: You hate everybody, so that’s not saying much.
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
Snape: Damn. I would have suspended them, at the very least.
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.
Malfoy: Gently? Uhh, no. I say things pompously, almost as pompous as Peter Weasley.
McGonagall: Percy Weasley.
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….
Malfoy: We don’t care what you did in the girls’ dorm.
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
Malfoy: I’m singing songs by a Muggle band!? How would I reluctantly go to my room!? I need my beauty sleep!
McGonagall: Well, I have Transfiguration Class to teach.
Snape: And I have Potions Class to go to.
Dumbledore: Mr. Malfoy, you have had enough for now.
Malfoy: Good. *leaves*
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
Filch: You nasty little student! A little time in the Badfic room ought to be good for you. Mr. Malfoy didn’t finish My Immortal, so you can pick up right where he left off.
Harry: No! Not My Immortal! I’d rather read Twilight!
Filch: That can be arranged.
Harry: Never mind!
Filch: Don’t come out until it’s over. *leaves*
The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.
Harry: Umm, why isn’t she wearing the school robes?
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
Harry: And why would she be eating Muggle breakfast foods rather than what the house-elves make for us?
“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
Harry: I’m starting to have second thoughts about this.
“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.
Harry: Wonder who this is.
“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.
“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.
Harry: My name’s VAMPIRE!?
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.
Harry: I HATE THE TASTE OF HUMAN BLOOD!
“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.
“Really?” he whimpered.
Harry: I whimpered? Am I scared of her? Well, I suppose I would be since she’s a Mary Sue.
“Yeah.” I roared.
Harry: She roared after I whimpered? What in Merlin’s name?
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.
Harry: Oh great. Malfoy.
Filch: Had enough yet, Mr. Potter?
Harry: Yes, please!
Filch: A little more ought to do you good. And here’s some company. *drags Malfoy in* And don’t let me catch you throwing dungbombs at Gryffindors again!
Malfoy: Oh, it’s you. Enjoying the badfic?
Harry: *groan* No, I’m not. What about you, Malfoy? I bet you love being paired with a Mary Sue.
Malfoy: Shut up, Potter. We may as well get this over with.
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
Harry: So, she named this chapter after a song?
Malfoy: She’s obsessed with filthy Muggle bands.
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
Malfoy: Hey look. A Z instead of an X.
Harry: *checks reviews* There actually aren’t any good reviews in here. She’s trying to convince people she’s a good writer.
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).
Malfoy: Yes, it does.
Harry: Well, looks like you’re about to Smut the Sue.
Malfoy: Not again.
I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………
Harry: Does she always use an excess amount of ellipses?
Malfoy: You should have seen when Dumbledore interrupted not-me and the Sue.
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.
Harry: How is it possible to French passively?
Malfoy: She’s already broken the laws of physics multiple times.
Harry: We’re wizards. We can break the laws of physics.
Malfoy: Not doing things with unfitting adverbs.
He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)
Malfoy: Yes, yes it is.
Harry: For once, I agree with you.
“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words……
Harry: More ellipses.
Malfoy: I add a whole bunch in times like these.
I was so angry.
Harry: Why would you be- OH GOD NO!
Malfoy: What? What is it?
Harry: My name’s been changed to Vampire in this fic.
Malfoy: How is that- SHE DIDN’T!
“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
Harry: A Hermione-Sue? Never seen one of those before.
Malfoy: What’s Granger got to do with this?
Harry: She’s the know-it-all, right?
Malfoy: Oh yeah.
“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”
Malfoy: I have what!?
Harry: That’s a stereotype. I’m sure actual homosexuals take offense to that.
Malfoy: And why does she feel the need to swear every few sentences?
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.
Malfoy: I ran out naked!? My father will hear about his!
Harry: *laughing his head off*
Malfoy: Shut it, Potter!
He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
Harry: Please tell me this lesson isn’t the kind of lesson I think it is.
“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.
Malfoy: Professor, please throw her out.
AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!
Malfoy: What’s flassing?
Harry: Is it like flossing?
Malfoy: What’s flossing?
Harry: Ask Hermione. Her parents are dentists and she can explain better than I can.
Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
Hermione: Harry, Professor McGonagall wants to know why you’re not in the dor- oh.
Malfoy: Granger, shut the damn door. I don’t want the whole world to know what we both have to put up with over here.
Hermione: Is that My Immortal? You know, I never would have imagined there was a book I would never want to read. And it seems I found it.
“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.
My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
Harry: OK, wow. Just wow. Not only did she make Hermione a vampire, she completely rewrote her story.
Hermione: Wait, that was ME?
Malfoy: Yeah. Didn’t you see your name, Granger?
Hermione: There were so many misspellings I thought she meant someone else!
“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
Malfoy: Go professor! You tell that Sue what a dimwit she is! Professor Snape actually seems somewhat like himself.
Hermione: For now, at least.
“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.
Harry: And she interrupted class just to say that?
Malfoy: Except me in real life. I laughed.
I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony)
Malfoy: Wait. She’s been calling us gay fags for the last few times she’s been trying to convince us it’s a good story. Now suddenly she’s bi, and she thinks gays are hot. doesn’t fit.
Hermione: For once, I wouldn’t mind setting Westboro Baptist Church on someone.
Malfoy: Who’re they?
Hermione: Trust me, they’re worse than the Death Eaters.
Somethin for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.
Malfoy: Whoever Britney is, I like her already just because she hates her.
Hermione: Since I keep up with Muggle celebrities, you may regret that sentence.
We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
Harry: You are one, you stuck-up bitch.
“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.
Malfoy: Like we would go out anyway.
“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Malfoy: Virility? What’s virility?
Harry: Masculine characteristics viewed positively.
Malfoy: And she claims she had them?
Harry: Looks like it.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
Malfoy: What’s wrong with being a Christian?
Harry: You insult Christians, you insult J.K. Rowling!
Malfoy: Rowling’s an Irish Catholic, didn’t you know that, Granger?
Hermione: Well, yes, but I-
Voldemort: Potter! I have come to kill you! Prepare to- what is this?
Harry: *absolutely unafraid of Voldemort’s appearance* We’re forced to read My Immortal for detention. Oh, and you can’t kill me anymore. Remember when you took my blood?
Voldemort: *silent for a few moments* Shit.
Harry: Pull up a chair. It’d be more hilarious for the readers if you joined us in an out-of-character fashion. We’re reading My Immortal, by the way.
Voldemort: My Immortal? Who dares torture you worse than I do? I will give them a lesson they will never- is that a mention of me in this chapter?
Harry: How did you get into the castle anyway?
Voldemort: Polyjuice Potion.
I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
Malfoy: This is idiotic.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!
Voldemort: I wonder who this could be.
He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
Voldemort: What!? I don’t need a broomstick! Hasn’t she read the seventh book?
Harry: This was written in 2006, or before.
Voldemort: I see.
“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
Voldemort: Wait, Crookshanks is a cat. What’d she do to the cat?
Harry: I really don’t know. Half this monstrosity doesn’t make sense anyway, so don’t judge too hard.
“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”
Voldemort: I do not speak like that!
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
Malfoy: Logic fail. I could have figured that out three chapters ago, and this didn’t even happen then.
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
Voldemort: Wouldn’t I just tell you to use “Avada Kedavra?”
Harry: Rowling has confirmed that Shotguns beat Avada Kedavras.
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
Malfoy: Please kill this Uke of me. Please.
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
Voldemort: Wow, I’m acting realistically!
Harry: Not just then, you weren’t.
“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
Harry: How can you fly away angrily on a broomstick? Unless you were mad while you flew away?
Voldemort: How should I know?
I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”
“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“No.” he answered.
“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.
Draco: Please say “I GOT expelled,” next time.
“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.
Voldemort: *leaves to prevent further loss of mind*
Draco: What is this- I don’t even-
AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.
Harry: Wow. I wonder who saw this name coming.
Draco: No way. No one could possibly have seen it coming.
I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s
Harry: So vampires can’t even spell the word cross? That’s… I can’t even say how stupid that sounds.
Draco: Sounds like a certain gamekeeper, if you ask me.
Harry: But I don’t remember asking you, so stuff it.
(there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut
but I’m really not.
We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.
Harry: She’s pregnant! And Draco’s the father!
Draco: No! I’m still a- oh yeah, not in this continuity.
“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.
Harry: You know, I thought Hermione would be in here this chapter to help spork.
“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
Draco: So now I stalk this girl. I‘m starting to sound like Edward Cullen.
“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)
Harry: Why yes, yes it is.
Draco: Quit making Phineas and Ferb jokes.
Harry: I thought you didn’t watch Muggle television.
Draco: I don’t. The author of this spork thought he would make a joke by using me.
I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.
Harry: *takes mental photograph* I want to remember this momen for the rest of my life. Draco Malfoy the Crybaby.
Draco: That’s not me, dumbass.
We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.
Draco: He doesn’t have a headache? Why does someone seem to hate Dumbledore so much?
“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.
Harry: Cry… wisely…
Draco: I lost all caring over the failure of common grammar after about chapter 2. Get used to it.
(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”
Draco: Well, my purpose is served. I’m dead. I guess I can no longer spork myself. Goodbye cruel Badfic Room! *leaves*
Harry: Hopefully I die soon. I want out of this place.
AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!
Hermione: Harry, why did Malfoy leave?
Harry: Oh. He committed suicide last chapter. He doesn’t have to be in here anymore.
Hermione: Then why’d I get dragged in here?
Harry: You’re in this chapter. I’m here because I’m Harry F***ing Potter. By the way, it’s the last chapter of this session, so just endure for a little bit and we can leave.
“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off
Hermione: I thought I was supposed to be her best friend. Why would she tell me that?
Harry: She’s what TV Tropes calls a Jerk Sue.
and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.
Harry: You’ve already made him look like a perv. It’s amazing how terrible this thing is. I think I’m about to suffer permanent brain damage.
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.
Harry: Please do it.
Hermione: Harry, she’s gonna commit suicide with a steak.
Harry: I don’t care how, as long as she dies. Wait. Did you say “steak” or “stake?”
Hermione: Steak, as in the meat.
Harry: Oh dear god above, have mercy on me.
I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
Harry: *Now suffering from Heroic BSoD*
Hermione: *On the verge of fainting*
“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.
“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.
Harry: But… This… I… WHAT!?!?
I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…
Hagrid: *enters* Harry, Hermione, you in ‘ere?
Harry: Yes! Hagrid! Let us out! I’m going insane!
Hagrid: Arr, it can’t be tha’ bad. Let me have a look.
Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
Hagrid: Err, wha’? I’m a Satanist? Oh, this is My Immortal, I’in’t it?
“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”
“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.
Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”
Harry: Oh please, just kill me now!
I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.
Harry: I haven’t drank blood lately and I feel fine. You’re just pathetic.
“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.
And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.
“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
Hagrid: I wha’?
“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.
“Because I LOVE HER!”
Hagrid: Harry, tha’s it. We need to get you outta here. Yer startin’ ta look kinda sick. Le’s get you to Madam Pomfrey, see what she can do.
Harry: *babbling incoherent nonsense*
Hermione: It’s to be expected. This is the worst piece of dung ever, after all.
Filch: Had enough, Potter?
Hagrid: You dir’y Squib. Look what yeh’ve done to him.
Harry: …the cake is a lie… the cake is a lie…
Filch: That nasty little student deserved it. He let off a Dungbomb outside my office.
Hagrid: I’m repor’in’ yeh to Perfessor McGonagall, I am. Outta the way, Filch. He needs the Hospi’al Wing. He can finish his detention la’er.
Filch: I’ll hold him to that.